Thursday, December 6, 2012

My secret

I have a few secrets that only my close friends know, but I'll let you in on one. It's one I'm very ashamed of (especially being an L&D nurse) and I think it helped shape who I am today. Being pregnant at 17 was not something that I was proud of by any means. I was embarrassed, ashamed, and didn't want anyone to know. I'll backtrack first. In high school, I was pretty popular. I don't say that to brag, because really, what does it matter? I see that now. I hung out with all the right people, dated the popular guys (aka the jerks) and went to all the parties I was supposed to. I really didn't enjoy parties much, because I rarely drank so it wasn't much fun on my end. I mostly went because my best friend was a social butterfly and I was the "hair-holder" at the end of the night when she was puking her guts up. I made sure she got home and didn't leave with some random stranger..which she would've. I never made anything less than an A. I was the teacher's pet even though I didn't really want to be that either. I was on the "scholastic team" and went around to all the local colleges taking dumb tests and the one who got the highest score won. I was always in charge of the history and psychology tests. I was in the national honor society, made a 27 on my ACT which i was pretty proud of considering I was so young when I took it. My mom was a saint, and my brother was even better. He had a 4.0 also and was always home studying while I was partying. Hold onto your hats, ladies, because I wanted to go to YALE. I wanted to move, and take Kasey with me. I think I might've actually if I hadn't gotten pregnant and they had actually accepted me. I highly doubt I would've made the cut, but I would've gone. I don't really attach to places or homes, so I think it would've been fairly easy for me to pack up and move to Yankee territory. As a senior in HS with all of these hopes and dreams in front of me, I got pregnant. Unlike most teenagers, I wasn't afraid or scared of how I was going to do it. I knew that you just DID it. There would be a learning curve, but we'd survive. On to the secret. I didn't tell anyone besides Kasey of course that I was pregnant until I was 26 weeks!!! I was too ashamed, too worried about the image that I had of being miss smart and sweet. I'll admit that it was a little "fun" having the secret all to ourselves for that long. My mom eventually asked the middle of a restaurant. I started crying and said, "you're going to hate me." Who knows when I would've gotten the courage to tell her. I was afraid she would be disappointed. That was what it boiled down to. And I'm sure she was, though thankfully she never said it. A couple days later I made a doctor's appointment and we found out that she was a girl at the first ultrasound! Kasey's parents were more disappointed I think than my mom, because he didn't get up the courage to tell them until November. She was born in January. It was one of those things were the longer the secret goes on, the harder it is to tell because by then he was like, "oh lindsey and i are having a baby. In 2 months. And it's a girl. Her names Karmen." He already had twins in KY already that were 3 so they weren't happy at all. How did I keep it a secret for 6 months? I don't know. I didn't restrict my food intake or anything of course. I actually ate a ton, so I'm not sure how I didn't gain more than 19 lbs. Most of it went to my chest, butt and hips as opposed to my stomach. Until about 6 months you couldn't really tell I was pregnant, so that is how my mom finally figured it out. Anyway, I'm a labor nurse so I actually enjoy taking care of the younger patients, because I've been there and know how embarrassing it can be. I like telling them I had a baby at 17 and I turned out ok. Their moms especially seem to like to hear that. I hear other people say, "I can't believe she didn't get prenatal care until such and such time" and I don't comment because little do they know I've also been there too. I'm too ashamed to say it outloud though. I joke about alternative school because it is actually pretty funny, but at the time I was horribly embarrassed. Instead of going, I did all my homework at home that christmas break so I would'nt have to actually attend. I picked my work up, took it home, and took it back to turn it in. So thats one of my secrets. I don't have many, and thats the "biggest" one so there ya go. Now you know.

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